Devoted to the call center industry, the agents on the phones, and their managers

Many voice response units (VRUs), when I call a call center, answer the phone with, "Thank you for calling Immensely Big, Incorporated. For English, press 1. Para continuar en español, oprime numero dos [To continue in Spanish, press 2]."

My first call center had a similar recording. Actually, it said, "For residential service, press 1. For business service, press 2." But that part didn't always work. We had to manually transfer business customers.

We had a separate ACD (automatic call distributor) for Spanish calls. Many of our agents had Mexican ancestry, while many of our customers had Cuban ancestry, and our Spanish-speaking agents used to talk about the difference between those two dialects. 

Most Spanish speakers don't feel they're speaking normally unless they're speaking rapidly, but Cubans often talk even faster than Mexicans.

Before I began working in call centers, I thought that television was eliminating regional dialects in the United States. I mean, once you know that everybody in your town sounds funny compared to a Hollywood actor, wouldn't you try to sound less funny? But no, I discovered that regional accents in America are alive and well.

So, I though, why stop with Spanish and English ACDs? Why not make as many customers feel comfortable as possible? After all, call center agents in the Philippines and India try to speak American English? Why shouldn't our call center accomodate our customers.

So here's what I came up with:

Thank you for calling Immensely Big, Incorporated.

For plain white-bread English, press 1.

Para hablar con un Norteño [Tex-Mex], oprime dos.

Para continuar en Cathtiliano [proper Spanish from Spain], oprime numero treth.

Para continuar en Cubano, oprime quatro muy rapido.

But wait, there's more. We could have separate ACD for different English-speaking cultural groups. Instead of answering the phone "Thank you for calling," one group could answer, "Yo" or "Whassup."  Another group could answer, "Howdy." (When they put you on hold, you'd hear country music.) Another group would answer, "Good morning" or "Good evening," and they would play classical music on hold.

For more serious reading: Help desks... so why can't we get help?